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Tyreek Hill of the Dolphins expects to retire after 2025

  • NFL

Tyreek Hill declares his impending retirement and I have a goldfish.

On Thursday Tyreek Hill “shocked” the sports world by declaring his intention to retire once his current contract expires. When someone claimed to have just put four 4s on the pile my initial response was to cry “Bullshit!” but I quickly changed my mind and said “Who cares?” Consider each and every time you have ever signed into LinkedIn and watched someone begin a post with “Some personal news… ” How soon do you move on to the next thing? Even if you read past the personal news what?

Now that you’re out of the workforce Greg give me some fucking cake so I have a reason to stay till the end of the day. Happy retirement shouldn’t be on the goodbye banner. What should it read “Jackass what are you going to do now? Play golf and keep an eye on the time till it’s appropriate to drink a G&T?

Normally because hot-take culture has accepted the bizarre I have to lean into the lunacy of these Sports Nihilist essays to truly make them read like satire but not today. Today I can confidently state that I could care less about Hills expiration date. If this wasnt the 15000th time he’s given us a “headline” since departing Kansas City I may be more interested in what he had to say.

What weddings are to single women in their 30s retirement celebrations are to me. I wish I was up there making that important transition into the next phase of my life but all I can feel is a wave of jealousy. Only instead of a life partner is the right to be an utterly irredeemable and shameless leech on society.


A retirement celebration is actually one of the final milestones you accomplish before the liberating death. What remains? your grandchildren’s birth? Birthday milestones that are celebrated with joke presents of Depend until they are no longer amusing? Because they are no longer valuable the majority of these athletes are too terrified to quit the game.

I wish we could simply stop caring about athletes after they retire. We already talk about them in the past tense when they do so let’s simply take the next logical step and treat them like they’re dead. How does it vary from the present? In a suit, Vince Carter does a dunk while acting like George Washington had just sprung from the earth to begin down cherry trees.

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